Only the Crime Traveller could turn a stay of exquisite luxury into an foray of pain and adventure.

Allow me to explain.  Having been to St. Lucia three times now I have stared longingly at the island’s signature twin mountains (Petite Piton and Gros Piton) for many hours yet never taken the opportunity for a closer look.  Today, our Major Domo (the phrase given to our assigned butler…yes, you read that right…each room at Jade Mountain is serviced by a personal butler) gently woke us with a knock at 6:00am.  We wolfed down a small breakfast prepared for us the evening before by the hotel’s chef and boarded a mini-bus to the base of the Gros Piton.

Gros Piton is, as anyone with a passing knowledge of French knows, the larger of the two pitons on St. Lucia but is considerably easier for novices to climb.  The Petite Piton, standing approximately 200 feet shorter than its sister, requires some rope-work and rappelling skills on a course that is known to be poorly maintained.  Tourists are strongly discouraged by laws prohibiting the climbing of the Petite Piton (yet there is no shortage of guides willing to assist someone foolish enough to try).  And so it was that we found ourselves signing up for a “4 hour tour” of the Gros Piton covering over two miles of elevation change.

Our two guides, although outgoing and sure-footed, lacked a fine understanding for an acceptable pace to set for sofa-bound North Americans.  I lost count of the number of times we were assured to be “only 30 minutes” from the summit.  It took our small group nearly three hours over extremely rocky terrain to clamber to the peak.  While the aerobic gauntlet of the route up was challenging, after resting and photo-taking at the top were done, it took us another two knee-jarring hours to flail our way back down the trail.

While I am reluctant to dissuade anyone from trying this feat in the future, I will say that the only real value of this very difficult climb (at least to untrained twice-a-year-hikers like ourselves) is for the bragging rights.  The view from the peak turned out to be substantially less outstanding than the view from my in-room pool at Jade Mountain.

Speaking of that pool…there are no words to describe the “infinity pool sanctuary” we are now enjoying.  I will try to make up for that by posting pictures upon my return.  We thought we had seen it all upon checking into our Sky Jacuzzi suite on the first night but Jade Mountain (whose guest I happily am for this trip) made available a premium “Sun Sanctuary” for our remaining three days here in St. Lucia.  While I had visited the resort before and was aware of their in-room pools, I expected to find a modestly-sized plunge pool suitable for a quick dip or a romantic late-night soak.  What we got was a zero-edge lap pool that extends nearly the full length of our massive suite filling an estimated 600 square feet with a deep end and waterfall that seemingly spills out into the Caribbean Sea.  It utterfly defies description.

The Crime Traveller’s wife has made it clear that, following her harrowing day on Gros Piton, she is officially on strike.  I overheard some discussion between her and our Major Domo about arranging for various in-room massage and spa treatments.  I have wisely not objected.  I anticipate the next few days in paradise to be considerably more sedate.